I Hate My Job!

Story by Ray Prew

Hello gentle reader and season’s greetings to you! I am known around the world by many names but you may call me Kris. We have known each other all your life, but we have never actually met.

I’m jotting down these thoughts as I trudge through the snow with another load to my sled. Let me tell you, I hate my job! For some reason everyone around the world thinks I enjoy this. What most people don’t know is this job is actually a curse. About 400 years ago I pissed off a wizard and he hit me with this. For the last 400 years I’ve had to slave away all year long in a frozen wasteland making toys for ungrateful little snots surrounded by ugly little creatures with
nasty attitudes. When someone tells you elves are happy cheery creatures don’t believe them.
400 years without the sweet release of death.

One of the elves comes up to me to tell me most of the girl toys are loaded on board and just some more of the boy toys to go. I thanked him and offered him a candy cane, the little shit bit my hand! My wife leans out the window to tell me to bring back some Chinese food; she doesn’t seem to understand China is 12 hours away.

I return to my office to plan tonight’s trip. Now let’s see, if I focus on homes with children, and then only christen children, and then only those with nice children I still have over 3 billion homes to visit. This was sure a lot simpler 200 years ago, only I had a vehicle capable of flight, there were no other aircraft, now I have to dodge fighter jets. Let me tell you visiting christen homes in the Middle East can be problematic. There weren’t so many people back then either. I feel my belly rumble I know there will be snacks laid out for me in some homes. As a side note to anyone reading this, I am so sick of milk and cookies I could vomit, pizza and beer would be a welcome change.

I’ve learned from my mistakes over all this time. I remember last Christmas all too well, the only highball I got all night was when I slipped getting out of the sled. The elves are under strict orders to monitor the reindeer’s food intake on Christmas Eve. Absolutely no beans 6 hours prior to lift off! Last year before we took off, Donder and Blitzen gorged themselves on chili, by the end of the night you should have seen my suit! I have strong reason to believe my wife is cheating on me with the Easter bunny. Fine, the damn rabbit can have her, she’s always drunk anyway. Living at the North Pole gives new meaning to the term frigid.

By the way gentle reader, thanks for letting me vent here a bit, it helps to let it all out sometimes.

I make my final check of the naughty or nice list. On one hand I’m relived the nice list isn’t so long this year not so many toys to deliver, but on the other hand I am alarmed at the rising number of naughty kids in the world. The sled is full and awaiting me to board. I smile at the elves and thank them for all their hard work over the year. One of the elves smiles, hands me the reins and tells me he hopes I get shot down over North Korea. I swore at him and told him to go work for the damn bunny if he doesn’t like it here. I tell you gentle reader I HATE MY JOB! As I get onboard the sled, Rudolph makes a snide remark about my size and waist. I agree with him and remark I should pay more attention to my diet and point out that venison is low in fat. As the sled takes off I feel the bite of the cold arctic wind through my suit, I really should have built this thing with an enclosed cockpit.

The sled takes off and I make a turn to head south, but considering where I am, any direction from here is south. I wave a final good bye to the elves below, a few respond with the middle finger. I lift up one cheek of my butt and fart at them. My first stop is a home in North America. As I look down below from my sled I see the place has no chimney. Just my luck I’ll have to land and leave the presents by the door. I dropped off the gifts and heard a sound behind me. I turned and came face to face with a snarling Rottweiler. It lunged at me; I barely got back on the sled and got airborne in time. I HATE MY JOB!

It’s 3 hours later and I’m over the Atlantic just a few more countries and about 5 million more homes to go. It’s starting to rain, a midwinter storm with freezing rain and sleet. 150 years ago I could simply fly over the weather; my sled was the only thing in the sky. I can’t do that anymore, that’s where the commercial airliners fly and I can’t allow myself to be seen. 100 years ago I made the mistake of letting some professor named Clemet Moore see me and he wrote a poem about it. I’ve never heard the end of it. I’m freezing! That does it next year I bring a thermos of hot coffee!

I ‘m over Germany now, flying over a small village. I land the sled on the slanted roof of an a-frame house, I hate this kind it’s so hard to keep my balance. I start carrying my toy sack to the brick chimney. It looked impressive and well built; it must be at least 100 years old. I barely had time to admire the beauty of the architecture when I lost my balance and slipped. The toy sack and I slid down the roof and off the edge! I fell 2 floors to the ground below and landed in a heap in the snow, my toys scattered everywhere. I wasn’t hurt but it’s embarrassing and now I must gather up my scattered toys to continue. I HATE MY JOB!

It’s nearing the end of the night, just a few more hours until the sun rises on this part of the earth. I must get back before sunrise. As I head north to go back to my castle I see a u.f.o. fly by. I leave them alone and they learned to leave me alone, I had a skirmish with some of them several years ago. Some fool made a movie about it trying to cash in on me “conquering” the Martians. Don’t believe the movie it was all b.s. I hate the way the media portrays me, if they only knew how hard my life really is.

I’m home now; I land in back of the castle near the stable. I trudge through the snow carrying my wife’s Chinese food, obviously cold by now, screw her she can heat it up. The end of another Christmas Eve, it’s all quiet and peaceful most of the elves are asleep. At least I can enjoy a private moment with a smoke and cup of coco before my curse begins anew and I must toil away for another year making all those wretched toys.

I stop short; I see them, rabbit tracks! Rabbits don’t exist at the North Pole, there is only one explanation. The damn bunny! I knew it! My wife is cheating on me with the Easter Bunny. The end of a perfect night! I let myself in the castle if he is still here I’m having rabbit stew for dinner tonight. My wife comes out of the bedroom looking a bit disheveled trying to feign innocence and sleepiness. She’s been drinking . . .again. I told her to knock it off she wasn’t fooling anybody and if she likes the rabbit so much to go live with him maybe, living underground in a burrow would be better than the North Pole. I walk away from her in disgust. My wife cheats on me, the elves disrespect me, I don’t get paid for this, it’s a curse! I tell you I HATE MY JOB!

The End